Note To Self: Connect (Responsively)
A personal note on pleasure, boundaries, and learning to choose yourself first.
Disclaimer: I am not a healthcare professional. This note is based on my personal experiences, reflections, and a little light research. Use at your own risk, and always consult medical or mental health experts for advice tailored to your situation.
During the Connect phase, you’re diving deep. My post next week will be about connecting with your body in relation to pain from past experiences—but today? We’re talking about a different kind of connection.
I want you to pause and reflect on how far you’ve come in your forgiveness journey. Think about the positive takeaways.
Maybe you’ve had the urge to spin the block for a quick physical release when thinking about someone. I’ve caught myself thinking, “Yeah, but that _____ though,” about a certain person—only to immediately feel silly, laugh it off, and go back to focusing on my rebuild.
But it made me realize: it’s been a minute since I’ve spent intentional time with myself.
No, not journaling.
Not stretching.
Not cleaning the junk drawer (though I’m kinda doing that mentally).
I mean time—solo, lights low, candles maybe, MacBook or phone in night mode, privacy appreciated.
Yeah… that kind.
Let’s not tiptoe around it: this is a note to myself about masturbation—and how, yes, in moderation and with intention, it’s one of the most underrated forms of self-care we have access to. For men and women alike.
Late Bloomer Diaries
I didn’t start until I was 24.
Twenty. Four.
I’d heard about it, joked about it, lied about it in high school, ignored it, maybe even shamed it a little. Then one newly single Valentine’s Day, a friend sent me a vibrator. I laughed, thanked her for the gesture (basically her way of saying I didn’t need to backpedal into bad decisions), and put it away.
A few weeks later—on an evening off, alone—curiosity won. I was scared of God seeing me - don’t laugh - so I went under the covers.
What I discovered wasn’t just physical release. It was calm. Relief. A softness toward myself that lingered long after the screen went dark and the socks were back on. I slept like a baby.
It didn’t feel dirty. It felt like agency. Like listening to my body and saying, “Hey girl, I got you.”
The Auntie Moment
I became such an advocate for it that I accidentally turned into the “masturbation spokesperson” among my friends.
Fast-forward to years later, sitting in a living room conversation about “the talk” with a group of teenagers who had so many questions, and my aunt blurts out:
“SHANDRA, YOU TOLD MY DAUGHTERS TO MASTURBATE?!”
I just smiled and confidently said, Yes Auntie. I was unshaken, and fully prepared for any smoke.
I humbly explained how I wished I had known my own body before letting peers, men, women, and random cultural scripts tell me what I liked.
She paused, then sheepishly admitted, “You’re right, Shay. I wish I had known more about sex in general too… but you know our family.”
We laughed—because we do know our family. And because the truth is, a lot of women feel the same way: we should have been taught self-awareness and self-pleasure long before we were taught to please someone else.
The Gender Gap
Here’s the thing: guys often start much earlier. For them, it’s joked about, normalized, sometimes even celebrated as a “rite of passage.”
For women? It’s taboo. Quiet. Something to confess, not explore.
But imagine if girls were encouraged to connect with themselves early—not just for pleasure, but for understanding. For agency. For confidence in saying “yes” when we mean yes, and “no” when we mean no.
Let’s Talk Science
This is about balance, boundaries, and biology. Here’s what reputable studies say masturbation can offer:
Stress Relief & Mental Clarity
Orgasms release dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, lowering cortisol (stress hormone).
2016 Journal of Sexual Medicine study: solo sex can improve mood and reduce tension.
Better Sleep
Prolactin (in men) and oxytocin (in women) help the body relax into rest.
Better Partner Sex
Knowing what you like solo helps you communicate and enjoy intimacy more with partners.
Pain Relief
Some women report reduced cramps and pelvic pain after orgasm.
Low Risk
No STIs, no pregnancy, no “draining your drive” myth.
For the Fellas
This note is for you too.
Touching yourself with care isn’t unmanly— but some of you know that too well. Masturbation is human. Exploring your body beyond pressure and performance is power.
And yes—science says regular ejaculation may reduce prostate cancer risk (Harvard Medical School, 2009).
The Cons Nobody Talks About
Overdoing it? Oh, I’ve been there. That first year, I might’ve broken personal records. But like anything—wine, online shopping, emotional support water bottles—it’s about why you’re doing it.
Are you numbing out?
Or tapping in?
Mindless scrolling through every NSFW tab isn’t connection—it’s distraction. Intentional pleasure is about recharging, reconnecting, regulating.
Final Note to Self
I didn’t just start masturbating at 24—I started loving myself at 24. And if you’ve ever been detached from your own body, you know how radical that choice can be.
We talk about self-care like it has to cost $60 and require an appointment. Sometimes, it’s just a decision. A pause. A moment with yourself, for yourself.
So ask yourself:
What kind of love do you think you deserve, if you won’t even give it to yourself?
Call to Action
If you’re reading this and feeling shy—don’t. Your body is your first home. Light the candle. Slow down. Get to know it.
Because the deeper you connect with yourself here, the more intentional you’ll be everywhere else.