Note to Self: Connect Before You Close
The second phase of forgiveness isn’t about them — it’s about coming home to you.
I stood in the shower and listened to Billie Eilish sing, “They called me weak / Like I'm not just somebody's daughter” as tears fell down my face for the umpteenth time that year (2021).
As the water trickled down my back, resentment began to set in and make itself comfortable. Shame followed, pulling up a chair, too. And as the tears fell, I replayed every moment where I had chosen a decision that got me to this place… hurt.
When Confronting Hurts Before It Heals
During the Confront phase, I tried listing the things that hurt me. It was rough. I cried myself to sleep a few nights just reliving the moments—just as I had done in the shower for years.
While working on my pain list, I decided to focus first on forgiving myself and my ex for my most recent hurt, and revisit the list slowly—scratching incidents off as I do the work.
In my letters, I made sure to cover these points:
This is what you did.
This is how it affected me.
This is what I wish you’d say or do.
I have no intention of sending them—this isn’t for them, it’s for my release. And it is work. Hard work. The kind of work that’s easier to do when you’re not still in or around the situation or people that hurt you.
Old Patterns, New Light
While writing my letters, I reflected on other times I was hurt. Sometimes, I walked right into the mess. I used to be so busy proving I didn’t want to “use” a person or be a “gold digger” that I overplayed my part in relationships and at work.
I gave more than I should have. I got exploited in ways I didn’t see coming. And when I finally tried to set boundaries, being gaslit hit me harder than I could have imagined.
That’s a note for another day.
For now, I’ll say this:
Don’t feel bad if you’re not done with your pain list or letters. This is heavy emotional lifting—emotional cleaning.
Connecting Isn’t Just About People
Have you ever cleaned out a junk drawer or closet and said, “Why do I have this?” but still kept the item?
Go even deeper: Have you ever learned that a belief you held about yourself was a complete lie—but somehow, you still carried it?
I’ll admit it publicly: I have.
"To forgive, we must confront not just the people — but the beliefs we built to make sense of the hurt."
Connect with your inner narrative. Who wrote it? And do they still deserve the pen?
Forgiveness Phase 2: Connect
Phase 2 is a deeper dive inward. Like I’ve said before—forgiveness is all about you. For me, connecting means tuning in physically and mentally to find hidden core beliefs—then mapping where they live in my body and memory.
I actually started a piece this process during a detox last year, but this time it’s deeper. For example: my need to prove I wasn’t a gold digger stemmed from an old belief I should’ve tossed long ago, because I know that’s not how I choose romantic partners.
Side note: There’s nothing wrong with being a gold digger—but that’s another note entirely.
So this week, while picking up the pieces of my life, I’m also connecting with me—asking:
What am I believing about myself that allowed me to accept things I don’t deserve?
I might not share them all. But I’m ready to do the work.
Recently, I spoke about a painful situation without tearing up—that’s progress. I still haven’t gone a week without crying, but hey… my skin is looking supple and my contacts aren’t drying out.
Take a few quiet minutes today. Sit with yourself. Ask: What belief am I carrying that doesn’t belong to me anymore? Write it down. Then decide—does it still deserve space in my story?