Note To Self: Confront That Ish - The First Step Toward Freedom
The Forgiveness Files starts with knowing what or who to forgive and knowing when you're the person in need of forgiveness.
Voicemail – Circa My Early Twenties:
“Shandra, although we have our differences I always make certain my gyal good. Through ups and down I always had your back — if I good, you good. Especially with you having a Bahamian parent I never thought it’d be you to play these game biyee. Since both of yall cont answuh da phone I gone fall back and wish da best but this is fowl biyee.”
I played that message back a few times but I stalled at first.
The disappointment in her voice? Haunting. Not loud. Not angry. Just... resolute.
Quiet rage always hits harder, doesn’t it?
At the time, I wanted so badly to justify myself.
“But they weren’t official.”
“He said they weren’t serious.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt her.”
Even worse: “She knew he and I were gonna hit it off.”
All technically true.
But emotionally?
I knew better.
Phase 1: CONFRONT
There’s a part of healing nobody wants to talk about: the moment you realize you might have been the villain.
Or, at least, a messy supporting character in someone else’s grief story.
This is that part for me. I had to forgive me but someone else beat me to it.
Forgiveness isn’t always about what was done to you.
Sometimes it’s about what you’ve done, what you justified, ignored, or conveniently forgot to claim.
Let me take you back.
The Night That Changed Everything
I was younger. Naive. Lit. Defensive. Comfortable excusing myself from the emotional impact of my actions.
The setting? A hazy evening filled with soul food, good music, laughter, weed, Henny, and a guitar.
One of those “this feels harmless” nights that ends with guilt, missed calls, and fractured friendships.
I crossed a line.
Not with a stranger, but with someone close to a friend.
A friend who had loved this man vulnerably and most importantly in front of me.
A friend who deserved better from both of us.
When she left that voicemail, I wasn’t ready to hear it.
I wasn’t ready to confront the truth: I was wrong.
My Excuses Were Louder Than Her Pain
I called my best friend hoping for backup or a nod approval. She silently heard me out and gave me a supportive remark that didnt say she agreed but she understood how I felt.
My male bestie gave me a neutral, emotionally detached response and called it “female drama.”
But the friend I hurt. Her silence? It spoke volumes.
She didn’t clap back.
Didn’t chase me down to see if I understood.
Didn’t perform her pain. She just left my life.
And when I finally reached out to apologize—late, not even the same year, fumbled, guilt-ridden—she thanked me.
Told me I was already forgiven and wished me well.
What I Learned from Her Classy Response**
1. She didn’t need my apology to free herself.
She confronted the pain. Processed it. And kept moving. That’s power.
2. Forgiveness doesn’t require reconnection.
We’re not friends anymore. And that’s okay.
She forgave for her, not for me.
Because forgiveness is never about the other person—it’s about reclaiming your peace.
“Forgiveness isn’t a reunion. It’s a release. And sometimes, it’s a solo journey.” – Shandra Latoy
Let Me Be Honest With You...
I’m tired.
Tired of being triggered.
Tired of choking up when asked about my last relationship.
Tired of joy being laced with grief because I won’t let go.
I want peace that doesn’t flinch when old names pop up.
I want healing that lasts beyond temporary highs and spiritual bypassing.
I want softness again.
And I know forgiveness is the way through.
But before I cleanse...
Before I connect...
Before I close...
I must confront.
Where I Am Today
This week, I officially started the “work” part of the forgiveness process.
I'm identifying every painful moment from what I recently went through — the ones that still linger in my body, my thoughts, my reactions. My lash extensions might not make it through this emotional purge, but I will.
I'm sitting with them.
I'm reflecting on patterns I’ve repeated.
And I’m writing letters to everyone involved — not to send, but to say what was never said.
To give voice to what got buried.
That’s where I am.
Still confronting.
Still learning the phases of forgiveness as I live them, not just writing about them.
Phase 2 is Connect.
But I’m not ready.
And I won’t force myself to be.
If I can finish this part, I’ll move on.
If I can’t?
Then Thursday’s post will be “Confrontation: Continuation” — because this step is hard, and healing doesn’t happen on a deadline.
Coming Up (Eventually) in The Forgiveness Files:
✨ Connect: When pain gets stored in your body & beliefs
🔥 Cleanse: When you burn, bury, or dance it out
🌿 Close: When peace becomes permanent—even without an apology
I’m not writing from a healed place.
I’m writing from here.
In the mud. With a pen. With some nerve.
And a whole lot of hope.
Let’s see where this goes and if you’re joining me in this 4 phase journey let me know and we can support each other.